Was I destined to be their mother?

An alternative title for this post would be "Philosophical Musings of an Adoptive Mother." I recognize that you may disagree with this whole post or a couple points, or maybe you agree with it all...  that's okay. These are my own musings surrounding the involvement of God in the adoption of my children. I have found that there is, with many things, a push-pull between my faith and my experience of the world. This post is not intended to wrestle with the idea of a good God letting bad things happen. That topic has been covered endlessly by much more qualified individuals than I. Instead, what I'm questioning here is whether or not I was meant to be the mother of my children. As you know (if you've been reading here for any amount of time), I am the adoptive mother of three children and a foster mother to one.

Let's stop for a moment and discuss a few assumptions I hold that give meaning to the rest of the discussion. First, I believe that God is all-knowing (omniscient). I believe that nothing catches Him by surprise. Second, I believe that He is with us, no matter where we are in space or time (omnipresent). That means that He has been with me since before I was conceived. He's with me today. He's with me tomorrow. He's with me in eternity. Third, I believe that He is active in our world. Fourth, I believe God gives us the ability to make our own choices (which means we inevitably make our own mistakes). These ideas will be important as we continue this discussion, and they are foundational to the path I take. I believe that God is sovereign, but how do I feel about God's sovereignty in foster care and adoption?

When a child is born into a family, we may hear "God chose you to be a part of our family," or "I'm so thankful God trusted us to be your parents." All of these phrases are wonderful, and I can absolutely get on board with believing them. But this is also where I run into roadblocks. What about those who have tried to conceive children, but aren't able? Is it just not meant to be? I have a hard time believing such an idea. What about the kids (like mine) who were born into one family, but raised by another? Was I not really meant to be the mother of my children? Maybe God made a mistake, and I'm just plan B - the backup mom. How can I believe that God actually intended me to be the parent of my kids? To our knowledge, my husband and I are able to have biological children. Couldn't He have just sent their little souls to us via my own womb (I'm well aware that their bodies would not look the same... 😉)? If I was really meant to be their mother, couldn't He have made that happen some other way? Surely an all-knowing God would just make it right from the beginning, rather than redeem the situation later. Or maybe, instead, I'm just one of many humans who could have stepped up to be the vessel through which God brings about His redemption. None of these statements provide a solid ground for a mama like me to stand on.

Mothers who have had children biologically may be able to comfort themselves on the hard days with "God gave you these kids, mama. You have what it takes." But how does that work as an adoptive mother? Do I really believe God gave me these kids? Do I really believe I'm supposed to be their mom? If I believe I'm intended to be their mother, then what does that say about my God? I believe He's active in the world, yet if He's active in the world, why didn't He intervene a little bit sooner so trauma didn't have to be a part of my kids' story?

This brings up another scenario: additional siblings. Sometimes, after cases are closed and adoptions are finalized, birth parents have additional children. If those children enter the foster care system, the adoptive families with previous siblings are often given the opportunity to take in the newest child as well (if only for a short time). In this situation, what if I say no? What if another sibling comes along and we decide that we cannot welcome another into our home? Was I only meant to be the mother of my current children, or am I meant to be this next child's mother too? How do I know where that line is? Maybe I'll mess up the sovereign plan of God by making my own decision.

You see, my friends, it's not quite as simple as "God gave you these children." There are a lot of questions surrounding the idea. Many of you may say, without hesitation, that yes, God gave me these kids. Others of you may say that it wasn't intended, but God has a way of redeeming the negative experiences of our lives. What I propose is a mixture of the two.

So, do I think that I was meant to be my children's mother? No.......... And yes. When God created the world in its perfection, did He create divorce, hoping relationships would end? I'm gonna go with "no". In the garden of Eden, did God invent anxiety, plaguing Eve with dependence on Xanax throughout eternity? I'm also going to say "no". Did God intend for my children experience trauma early in their lives? I don't think that He did. In the same vein, did God choose my children to be born to their biological parents? Yes, yes I believe He did.

I believe that my kids were born precisely where they were intended to be born.  If God is all-knowing, which I believe that He is, then He must have looked into time long ago and seen two birth parents make less-than-ideal decisions, and simultaneously seen me as the mother of my children. Why He allowed my children to endure what they did, I don't know. How we just so happened to be licensed at just the right time to take these kids, I don't know. I am unsure as to how God works in the world, but I believe He is always active, even if just in the hearts of men. He gives us the ability to makes choices, but is actively pursuing our hearts in His direction. While I don't understand His ways, I know one thing for certain: In this moment, in this place and time, I am meant to be the mother of my children. Was I meant to be their mother from conception? No. But I am absolutely meant to be their mother right now. I am meant to be their mother - in this moment, in this season, in their lives.