What Not to Ask Foster and Adoptive Parents

There are many discoveries my husband and I have made since becoming foster parents less than a year ago. For example, we experienced the beauty of a supportive community who rallied behind us when we received our very first foster placement. We discovered how very little sleep one could run on with an infant and still manage to function ALL. DAY. LONG. From this, we also realized how willing family and friends were to lend a hand wherever they could. There is nothing like parenthood to send you begging for help! Among these experiences have been other less-than-stellar realizations. People appear to be inherently nosy, and when it comes to the world of foster care and adoption, unbelievably naive. When these two traits collide, well-meaning people say things that may be better left unsaid... or at least said differently. Below you will find some questions that we frequently received.

Q: Why were they removed? What's the story there? 

A: 1) Any child adopted from foster care has experienced trauma. That is all you need to               know.

       2) When my kids grow older, they may choose to share or not share their story. The              point is, it's their story to tell, and it would be unfortunate for them to hear about their         story from anyone else.

Q: Do they have the same parents?

A: I think what you're trying to ask me is if they are siblings.

Q: Are you still going to have your own kids?

A: I think the word you're looking for is "biological"....... "Are you still going to have biological kids?" My adopted kids are my own kids.

Q: Where are their real parents? 

A: Again, I think the word you're looking for is "biological." We are their real parents. 

Q: Where are they from?

A: America. Just because we don't share the same skin tone doesn't mean I crossed the ocean. There are kids in your own neighborhood, church, school, etc. that need temporary or permanent homes. [Ask me about foster care or adoption!]

While all of these questions came with the best of intentions, they hold the potential to harm fostered or adopted children. If you have happened to ask me or any other foster or adoptive family these questions in the past, know that we are not angry. Well, at least I'm not! 🙋 It is simply my hope that this satirical conversation will give you a little lesson in foster care and adoption. We could all stand to learn a thing or two. 

If you're a foster or adoptive parent, what are some other questions you've been asked that ought to have been stated in a different way?