If you want to be a foster or adoptive parent but have biological kids, STOP...

If you want to be a foster or adoptive parent but have biological kids, STOP what you're doing and consider a few things. I am the person I am today thanks to my parents becoming foster and adoptive parents, but not all parts of the story are pretty. When I was about 7 years old, my parents decided that they wanted to adopt. We were all on board, and excited to add children to our family. It took a few years, but my family was selected to adopt three children. There are a whole lot of details in this story that don't need to be shared, but in short, it didn't go well. We experienced pain. The foster children experienced yet another loss and feelings of rejection. And we were all left wondering what the point of all that was. After much thought, my parents decided to open their home to solely fostering children. Over the course of about 8 years, my parents welcomed a total of 14 children into their home. Sometimes they stayed for over a year. Sometimes they stayed for a few months. In the middle of the placement, it often became frustrating and stressful, but when the children left, we were always excited for another placement. My life was completely altered by the addition of these children, and I'm grateful my parents kept our feelings in mind. Growing up, more often than not, I struggled with the reason behind why I had the experiences as a sibling to foster children. It was not easy... ever. Here are three things to consider if you want to be a foster or adoptive parent, and you have biological children.

1. Have you talked to your kids about it?

It will be very important to explain the process to your children. Talk about all the uncertainty, and make sure they understand the changes that will come. Will they be sharing their room with a child? Explain this to them. Tell them about the fact that there will likely be three or more adults visiting your home each month to see the foster child. Because every case is different, please talk with your children about the uncertainty of the time frame that foster children will be in your home. The foster children that enter your home will likely exhibit behaviors that your biological children are unaccustomed to. If you do not talk with your biological children ahead of time, they will likely be surprised by the defiance, disobedience, and other behaviors that foster children will exhibit in your home. Also, be sure that your children understand whether or not there will be a difference in the way you discipline your biological children versus foster children. Finally, be sure you've taught your children about appropriate boundaries, and make sure you are a safe place for them at all times. You should always be available to talk (and listen) to your children when they need it. 

2. How do your kids feel about the idea of having foster siblings?

Many children may hold differing feelings about the prospect of having more children added to the home (whether temporarily or permanently). Just as with adding a child through birth, there will certainly be growing pains, but to what extent? Many children are thrilled about the idea of having an additional sibling. How fun to have a playmate! Other times, the whole idea is overwhelming. New kids. Sharing. Lots of people visiting the home. 

I urge you, if you are considering becoming a foster or adoptive parent and your biological children have explicitly expressed their disapproval, stop. Stop where you are and re-evaluate. Maybe it's not the right time. Maybe your kids just need more information. Maybe it's not the right thing for your family. Maybe there's more to it. Whatever you do, listen first. I once heard a foster parent, years ago, say that their biological kids did not want them to foster, but that they were doing it anyway because the kids don't get to decide. Please consider what impact disregarding your children's feelings will have on your relationship with them. This leads to my next point of consideration.

3. What impact will it have on your kids?

Everyone's family looks different. Some kids have more intense needs than others. If you welcome foster children into your home, consider if you will be able to continue meeting the needs of your children. Do your kids have special medical needs? Behavioral needs? Intellectual needs? Can you continue to meet those? There is no right or wrong answer here. It is your job, as the parent, to assess the capabilities of your own family. I have seen many extremes when it comes to parents deciding whether or not to begin the journey to foster or adopt. Some parents choose to disregard the feelings of their children about the experiences, while other parents have said that if their biological children will be impacted, then they will need to stop fostering. Regardless of how your child will be impacted, I can promise you one thing... they will be impacted!

Here is where I tell you the rest of my story. Being a biological child - a sibling to foster children - was not easy. It was not always fun. It was painful. It was frustrating. It was embarrassing. It was lonely. BUT... thanks to my experience, I became a social worker. I completed an undergraduate degree in social work, and am currently finishing up the final year of my graduate degree in social work. Had my parents not chosen to foster and adopt when I was young, I likely would have never become a social worker. Thanks to my experiences, I have a unique perspective of what biological children go through. I was able to take this knowledge and start a support group for children whose parents have chosen to welcome children from the foster care system into their home. At these support groups, biological children of foster parents have the opportunity to play games and share experiences with others who understand the unique experiences of having a sibling in the foster care system (If you've looked around, you know this is a rare service). The path I chose to take in my career was directly impacted by my experience as a child. But wait - there's more!

Although I recognized that social work was my niche, I swore that I would not - could not - ever be a foster or adoptive parent myself. "My parents are saints. It's not for me," I would say. Then it happened. I remember the day I called my dad in tears. My heart had changed, and I wanted to foster. Fast forward a few months or more, and my husband and I were attending classes and completing our paperwork. Last month, we adopted our three children.

Wow.

I cannot imagine my life without foster care and adoption. What would I be doing if my parents hadn't taken the step so many years ago to foster and adopt? What would have become of my life had I chosen to remain bitter and hardened about my experiences? When I think about my life, I'm reminded of a moment in Wonder Woman. Queen Hippolyta was attempting to convince Diana to stay on the island. She told Diana that if she chose to leave, she may never come back!... and this is where Diana said the most profound words I've ever heard in a Super Hero (Heroine?) movie: "Who will I be if I stay?" Who would I be if my parents had chosen to remain in the safe bubble that was our uncomplicated family? Who would I be if they had chosen to give up when things got tough? Who would I be if they'd stayed? Who would I be if I decided I didn't have it in me? Who would I be if I decided it wasn't worth it? Who would I be if I'd stayed? 

Fostering and adopting is a worthy cause, but it is not without sacrifice. To quote my role model, Dr. Karyn Purvis, count the cost (check out the video below about this). Consider the impact it will have on not only your life, but the lives of your children. 

Who will you be if you stay? Who will your kids be if you stay?