My Kids Are Not Lucky To Have Us

I cannot count the number of times that I have been told that my kids are "so lucky" to have us. And just like most questions and comments, they come from the most well-meaning individuals. While I'm honored that some think so highly of us, it's important to recognize that these words could have deeper meaning to adopted individuals. It may seem like adopted children are being viewed through a lens of pity, and are seen as being rescued (More on this in a future blog post...). So instead of making comments like, "They're so lucky to have you" try something like "You have a beautiful family" instead. Thankfully, my kids are still at an age where they can't comprehend the statement about being "lucky", but that won't always be the case. Let me explain.

You know what a synonym of lucky is? Fortunate.

Every time adopted children are told that they are lucky to be adopted...

They may hear you saying that..... 

The trauma they experienced is worth it.

After all, who doesn't want to experience painful and frightening things?! Please hear my sarcasm. My kiddos experienced trauma before coming to live with us. I love my family a whole lot. We have tons of fun together. We go to the zoo, and take lots of pictures, and bake cookies, and stay involved in the community. But we also make a lot of mistakes. If our family was heaven, then it might be worth the pain, but it's not. We are broken folks, just like anybody else. And it's just not fair to assume or imply that my children's pain was worth it because they got me and my husband as their mom and dad.

They may understand your words to mean that..... 

Their biological family is bad.

My kids are still young - too young to really grasp adoption, even though we talk about it. There will come a day when they have questions, and lots of them. And I will do my best to answer them with honesty; however, I must never allow my personal feelings or opinions to taint my accounts. My children are my children. Nothing will change that. But my children are also the biological children of two individuals. Nothing will change that. If I, or anyone, sends the message that my children's heritage, culture, DNA, etc. is bad, then my children are at risk of growing up to believe that they are bad or that a part of them is bad. I don't want this for my children. I want them to grow up with a healthy self-identity, understanding who they are as my children, as the biological children of two individuals, and most importantly as children of God.

They may feel like you're implying that..... 

They shouldn't feel loss.

Adoption is beautiful, but it is not without loss. There are tangible losses such as the loss of a community, pets, family, friends, home, etc. And then there are other losses that may be harder to recognize or easier to forget: routine, culture, access to family history, knowledge of medical background, etc. I was recently in the hospital overnight with my son. He was having issues breathing, and they wanted to find solutions. Nearly ten healthcare professionals asked me, "Is there a history of asthma in the family?" And you know what I had to say? "I don't know." I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. My son is fine now, but this was a loss for him. His own mother, sitting in the hospital with him, couldn't tell the doctors about his family history. While I can't speak as an adopted child, I've done enough research to know that there is a piece of all of us that longs to know where we've come from. Adopted children [and adults] have every right to feel loss for the missed years and gaps in knowledge.

My kids aren't lucky. They've experienced more than children should, and they now have us as their less-than-perfect parents. They'll grow up, not having answers to many of their questions. They won't know that they make that facial expression just like their biological mother, or that they can't whistle, just like their biological grandfather. They won't know what it's like to have a mother or father of the same race as them. They won't experience what it's like to be raised as a Dallas Cowboys fans. 😊 So while our children are receiving the nurture and love that they need, they have experienced a lot that hasn't been so "lucky" along the way. I, on the other hand, have had the joy of welcoming the most adorable children into my home (I can say it because none of my genes did that!), and have the pleasure of being called "mommy." So, really, friends, we are the lucky ones.