When Race Matters in Our Adoption

I am a white woman. My children are black. I have learned more about other cultures in the last year and a half than perhaps the other 20+ years of my life. This isn't for one specific reason, but rather, a combination of many things. I'm happy to share my heart with you, and what I've learned up to this point. Please note that this is my experience, and that I know I will continue to learn more and more throughout the rest of my life. Up to this point, here are a few things I've learned that are vital to parenting children of a different race or ethnicity.

Acknowledge That You Have Biases.

"*GASP* Whaaaaaaaat? I don't have biases!" False. It doesn't matter who you are or where you are from. You are human and you have, therefore, developed some sort of bias. I don't know who toward - that's your job to search within yourself and reflect on. But be willing to do that. Do it for all of humanity, but if that's not enough motivation, do it for your kids. This is really the first step, and until you're willing to address your own beliefs, you won't be able to move forward in doing the other things I'll mention in this post. Change starts in your heart.

Be Willing to Ask Questions.

Don't be too prideful to admit that you aren't sure what products to use in their hair, or to ask how a particular hairstyle is done, or if something is culturally appropriate, or to admit you just don't understand why this or that matters. I was in the store one day, and interrupted two employees. I said, "I'm sorry, but I'm looking for some help. What can I use to keep her ends down?" *Side note* I'd asked this question many times, and gotten multiple answers, but I finally found a product that worked when I asked these particular individuals. The lesson I learned from that was that everyone has a different opinion, and different products work for everyone's hair, so don't ask once and assume you got the best answer. Keep asking around until you are satisfied that you are doing the best thing for your child. There are also many times I have asked coworkers, strangers, friends, etc. how to do a particular hairstyle that I saw on them or their children. I have asked for places to get my son's hair cut. Although I do my daughters' hair by myself, I've asked friends for their contacts of who could do more detailed styles that I just haven't figured out yet. And you know what....... I have never felt looked down upon for asking. In fact, each person has responded lovingly and happily to my questions. It isn't a stupid question if you're asking for the right reason. It's more respectful to ask than to assume you know about another person's culture. 

Seek Out Friends of the Same Race as Your Child.

I know. I know. I KNOW. Listen, I get it. You're probably thinking, "Seems a bit racist, doesn't it? You're saying, 'Find any black person and be friends with them... any one will do.'" Umm NO. That is not what I'm saying. What I am saying is that I am white, and while we live in a fairly diverse area, it is still predominantly white. Our neighbors are black. My daughter's school teacher is black. Both my daughters' dance teacher is black. They have black kids in their classes at school and daycare. BUT, my children are still growing up under the umbrella of a white family. Is it really enough just to see people that look like you without ever having a deeper relationship?  Being around people who look like you helps you to build a positive self-image. But if I only ever have white friends, it will speak volumes, intended or not, to my black children. So for that reason, I must be intentional in cultivating relationships with people of all races and ethnicities, particularly those of my child's same race. I think the book that really helped me understand this perspective better is In Their Voices: Black Americans on Transracial Adoption. At the end of the book in the conclusion, the author said something that has stuck with me:

"Society does not ask these transracial adoptees whether they were raised in a white family, nor does it care." - Rhonda M. Roorda

First of all, it breaks my heart that this sentence even has to exist. But secondly, if society won't care, then I need to make sure my children are grounded in who they are, and are connected to the black community. If you're a fan of the show This Is Us like I am, then you may remember a scene from the eleventh episode of season two. In the particular scene, Randall (a black man who was adopted as an infant by a white family) is telling his wife (a black woman) that they have to be there to support his brother through his mess because his brother was there for his. His wife says, "That's some white people-level repression, babe." Randall responds with, "I was raised by white people." "Everybody knows," his wife cracks back. I laughed. But really... there is something to be said for being raised by folks of a different race from your own. There's nothing wrong with adopting a child of another race. There's nothing wrong with a child being raised by someone of a different race. There is something wrong with depriving the child of having connection with their larger community. You owe it to your child to be intentional in creating those relationships. I'm not pretending like this without awkward or uncomfortable moments, but I know it is important.  Remember, I don't have this all figured out either!

Have Those Tough Conversations.

This may be the very hardest. Once you begin to address your own biases, you'll start to recognize, even more, those of others. As a parent, you are responsible for standing up for your children and imploring your family and friends to do the same. One of the hardest things about this is... racism isn't always dressed in white robes. Prejudices show their faces in jokes, in casual comments, in everyday life. If you have a hard time deciding whether or not a joke about another race is appropriate, ask yourself, "Would I be comfortable with this being shared in front of my children?" No? Okay, then why would it be okay to share it at all? These are those tough conversations. It's much easier to confront blatant racism. It's significantly more difficult to address comments that we'd rather dismiss. I know that particular members of my extended family have had downright racist things said to them about my kids. They have, in turn, had to have tough conversations with their friends. When we acknowledge that we have biases and that our friends and family have biases, we can no longer ignore it. We have an obligation to address it. It may hurt a few feelings, but isn't your kid worth that? Let's go even further... aren't all people worth that? 

If you want to sum up what I said above, it's this: Make yourself uncomfortable. Meet new people. Learn about cultures other than your own. Inconvenience yourself. It'll be worth it.


*** If you need an example on how to humble yourself and just ask, take notes from Rebecca Pearson from This Is Us.***