What If I Die?

Anxiety. It brings up different thoughts and feelings for all of us. When you hear the word, what comes to mind? The word has changed for me over the years, but working in the field of social work, I found that the things I witnessed had a lot more effect on me, my emotions, and my brain, than I realized. It took me a while, but I realized I was experiencing secondary traumatic stress from the things I'd experienced in my work and internships. Not only that, but I've watched anxiety eat at my own mother for as long as I can remember, and she has done her best to make the choices she felt she needed to for her and for us, and for that I am thankful. As with anything, though, I have decided that there are ways I wanted to be a little different. We are all just doing our best as parents! But this, this right here is why I refuse to let anxiety win...

I wanted to be my best for my kids, and it felt like I just couldn't shake this weight. Anxiety is heavy and can be suffocating. There was a point in time that I took medication for that anxiety. It was a low dose, and just what I needed to get back control of what felt so out of control. I'm no medical doctor, so I am completely unqualified to speak to anyone else's situation or give medical advice. If you have questions about what medication would look like for your anxiety, talk to your doctor. What I hope you get from this is a change in mindset, recognizing it's okay to utilize medication prescribed by your doctor, when appropriate, for the treatment of mental health. We are all doing our best, and sometimes we need help. Another professional who is available to help during this time is a licensed professional counselor. Ask your doctor for a referral or recommendation in your area. Your mental health is important. Treat it as such, and make it a priority. If you won't do it for yourself, then do it for your kids.

As a mother now myself, I've found that my anxiety and the fear I battle on a fairly regular basis centers around my kids. I may find myself facing a panic attack in particular social situations. Most of all, I've faced anxiety when I've gone overseas, leaving my kids behind. Ireland. Mexico. Australia. I have traveled far from my kids, and my heart has paid the price. All along there was a war going on within myself: "It's selfish to travel so far from the kids. What if something happens to me?" then "They are the reason I go! I want them to see my example of taking control of the anxiety - of beating it time and time again." As I mentioned before, we are all doing our best as parents. That being said, my mom never traveled far, if at all. I remember very few times that my mom spent a night away from us. And that's what she needed to do to manage herself and the anxiety she was experiencing. As a kid, I always thought it was so ridiculous that she would worry that something would happen to her. We weren't worried. As a mother now, I get it. I just choose to face the anxiety in a different way - head-on.

See, while it's unnecessary to spend all my time worrying about the "what ifs," it's true that we live in a broken world where mothers do die. Sonya Spillmann wrote about it so eloquently in a blog posting on Coffee + Crumbs:
"I know firsthand that a woman can be middle-aged and wipe tears from her brown eyes on a no big deal Saturday morning, lying in bed next to her husband, simply because she hears four children squabbling in the living room and envisions them, years later... She cries because she doesn't want to miss their lives. Or worse, to be the cause of their grief." 
I understand this feeling so well. After getting back from long trips away from my husband and kids, I felt a weight lifted as if I was safer now. That is, safer until the next event I felt would be life-threatening. As Sonya Spillman described in her blog posting, it was "as if she's squeezed tight within the passage area between train cars," - like I was lucky to have made it out alive. I'm not proud of the struggle, but I know that there are other moms out there who are challenged by similar scenarios. It's my hope that this post helps you see that you are not alone, and gives you a bit of inspiration to keep fighting.

But what if I die? Well, I'm not going to cheapen the event. It would be a big loss for my family. My kids are adopted, so I wonder how my dying would affect the way they identify my presence and purpose in their lives. I find myself worrying about the load my husband would carry, parenting four kids from a traumatic background. You see, I'm not so much afraid of dying as I am afraid of causing my family pain. My pastor talked about her own experience with this years ago, and it's stuck with me since. She said that she finally came to the realization that her fear surrounding dying and leaving her kids was all a product of mistrust. A failure to trust that God would take care of her family if anything happened to her. A failure to trust that He would fill in the gaps that her absence would leave. This... this is truth, friends.

So, what if I die? Everybody dies. And as uncomfortable as it is to talk about, it's the truth. If I die, then God will do what He does best - comfort, restore, and save. He loves my family more than I do, and I have to trust that He will take care of them.

But what if I don't? What if my fears of an early death are completely unwarranted? What if I waste my years worrying about dying, only to live a long life with my husband and kids? Well, then, I lost precious time that I could have spent appreciating and savoring the moments, rather than grasping at time as if I'd never see any more. So, what if  don't die? I've determined that I will do my best to no longer make decisions out of fear. I will travel. I will show my children how to fight their own weaknesses. I will show them how to rely on God for daily strength. I will enjoy the moments. I. Will. Live.

It's my hope that you make the same choice today. Fear is a liar.