The Biological Family Isn't the Enemy
My kids are four of five children born to their biological parents. That makes five kids under the age of five. Some say that it's not fair for them to keep having kids, expecting someone else to raise them. They say it's not fair to ask me and my husband to take in more children. Some even say that the biological parents should be forced to undergo medical procedures to make sure they can't have more kids. I have to disagree heavily with these things. None of these are the primary issue.
The problem isn't that my husband and I are asked to accept additional placements. The issue isn't even that they keep having more kids, because it's not my job to mandate that. As my kids' mother, the issue I have with this all is that my children are now going down a path that I assume will last a lifetime - a path in which they'll need to track down their other living siblings. They won't get to grow up in the same home as all of them, that's certain at this point. My four will always be together, but that's only four of the siblings. See, the issue I have is that my children may not even know where the other siblings are one day.
I will do my best, as their mother, to establish those connections and keep relationships as best as I can, but I can only do so much. Now that we have said "no" to the fifth sibling, we won't get calls in the future if there are more. How do I know where others went? In the big mess of the child welfare system, things fall through the cracks, and it's likely that this will be one of those things. So this is what's not fair. It's not fair that my kids can't have the same relationship with all of their siblings as they'll have with each other. It's not fair that they won't be able to celebrate every birthday together, or play hide-and-seek, or lay awake talking in their room after bedtime, or get in trouble for staying out too late. They won't know what that's like with all of their biological siblings.
I'd like to briefly address the issue I have with mandatory sterilization. You see, to some, it seems more humane. After all, it could potentially stop additional children from experiencing the trauma of the system, the heartbreak of not knowing siblings, etc.; however, there is no way to guarantee that. Another thing is, it's not my place, nor anyone's to make a decision as to whether or not another human should be allowed to have more children. That would be inhumane. What if a young biological parent got their act together ten years down the road, and wanted to have more children? That would be an awful punishment on top of the loss of their living children.
This leads me to my next point. The biological family is not the enemy [I'm speaking generally of biological parents and extended families]. They are not bad.
Have they made mistakes? Yes.
Are they always safe? Probably not.
Do they deserve to be treated as though they are valuable? Yes.
Are they even worthy of love? Absolutely.
They are human. No one wakes up, thinking "I want to be a bad parent today." They made mistakes or maybe a series of mistakes, but I still have to believe in their dignity and worth. That doesn't mean that I allow any and all means of communication between all biological family members and my kids. That would be unwise. Boundaries still exist.
What it does mean is that I not only allow but help my children to create a Mother's Day gift for their biological mother. It means I go out to buy a "thank you" card for my kids to sign because their biological parents gave them some winter beanies. It means being honest when my kids ask questions, but not shaming the family. As I wrote in a previous post, "If I, or anyone, sends the message that my children's heritage, culture, DNA, etc. is bad, then my children are at risk of growing up to believe that they are bad or that a part of them is bad."
To bring it full-circle, my kids now have a younger biological sibling who we have recently met. We are not going to pretend like this sibling does not exist. We want to promote that connection through the years to come, because we know that blood/biological relationships hold a special place in people's hearts. Just as the biological parents are not the enemy, this sibling is not the enemy either.
I am not perfect, and I make mistakes daily. I also know that I will make mistakes in the future when it comes to navigating this adoption journey. But I am hopeful that my kids will see my heart through it all, and a desire to honor where they came from, savor the present, and push them toward where they are going.
The problem isn't that my husband and I are asked to accept additional placements. The issue isn't even that they keep having more kids, because it's not my job to mandate that. As my kids' mother, the issue I have with this all is that my children are now going down a path that I assume will last a lifetime - a path in which they'll need to track down their other living siblings. They won't get to grow up in the same home as all of them, that's certain at this point. My four will always be together, but that's only four of the siblings. See, the issue I have is that my children may not even know where the other siblings are one day.
I will do my best, as their mother, to establish those connections and keep relationships as best as I can, but I can only do so much. Now that we have said "no" to the fifth sibling, we won't get calls in the future if there are more. How do I know where others went? In the big mess of the child welfare system, things fall through the cracks, and it's likely that this will be one of those things. So this is what's not fair. It's not fair that my kids can't have the same relationship with all of their siblings as they'll have with each other. It's not fair that they won't be able to celebrate every birthday together, or play hide-and-seek, or lay awake talking in their room after bedtime, or get in trouble for staying out too late. They won't know what that's like with all of their biological siblings.
I'd like to briefly address the issue I have with mandatory sterilization. You see, to some, it seems more humane. After all, it could potentially stop additional children from experiencing the trauma of the system, the heartbreak of not knowing siblings, etc.; however, there is no way to guarantee that. Another thing is, it's not my place, nor anyone's to make a decision as to whether or not another human should be allowed to have more children. That would be inhumane. What if a young biological parent got their act together ten years down the road, and wanted to have more children? That would be an awful punishment on top of the loss of their living children.
This leads me to my next point. The biological family is not the enemy [I'm speaking generally of biological parents and extended families]. They are not bad.
Have they made mistakes? Yes.
Are they always safe? Probably not.
Do they deserve to be treated as though they are valuable? Yes.
Are they even worthy of love? Absolutely.
They are human. No one wakes up, thinking "I want to be a bad parent today." They made mistakes or maybe a series of mistakes, but I still have to believe in their dignity and worth. That doesn't mean that I allow any and all means of communication between all biological family members and my kids. That would be unwise. Boundaries still exist.
What it does mean is that I not only allow but help my children to create a Mother's Day gift for their biological mother. It means I go out to buy a "thank you" card for my kids to sign because their biological parents gave them some winter beanies. It means being honest when my kids ask questions, but not shaming the family. As I wrote in a previous post, "If I, or anyone, sends the message that my children's heritage, culture, DNA, etc. is bad, then my children are at risk of growing up to believe that they are bad or that a part of them is bad."To bring it full-circle, my kids now have a younger biological sibling who we have recently met. We are not going to pretend like this sibling does not exist. We want to promote that connection through the years to come, because we know that blood/biological relationships hold a special place in people's hearts. Just as the biological parents are not the enemy, this sibling is not the enemy either.
I am not perfect, and I make mistakes daily. I also know that I will make mistakes in the future when it comes to navigating this adoption journey. But I am hopeful that my kids will see my heart through it all, and a desire to honor where they came from, savor the present, and push them toward where they are going.
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