Questions I Didn't See Coming

I've been a mother for over two years now, and in two years, I've been asked a whole lot of interesting questions. My very first posting tackled some of the things not to ask foster and adoptive parents, and while most of those questions won't resurface here, one in particular will. You see, people who aren't living and breathing the brokenness of foster care every day can't begin to imagine what it's really like. Because of this, they sometimes ask questions that may feel offensive to those on the inside, though that is almost never the intent. I've laughed at some of the things people have asked me over the years (and I am sure there are many more amusing questions in our future), and I've stirred in anger over others. So, here are a few of the most and least common questions I've been asked, specifically in regards to my kids.

Least Common

Are You Black?
If you need a refresher or it's your first time here, then you're going to need some back-story as to why this is an unusual question: I am the white mother of four black children, and my husband is also white (to read more about my perspective on transracial adoption, read here). People don't generally assume my kids are adopted when it's just me or my husband with them, but if we're both together, we start to get some interesting looks. Our experience at Great Wolf Lodge last year was no exception. We've been trying to include more experiential things into our Christmas gifts lately, and last year my parents gave us the amazing present of gift certificates to Great Wolf Lodge. We were checking in, and my kids were running around in the open space with my husband as I spoke with the young black lady at the front desk. She handed me the wristbands, told me about the things happening around the lodge... and then I saw her eyes darting back and forth. She looked at me, looked at my husband, looked at my kids, looked at me, looked at my kids, looked at my husband, looked at my kids............... While most people would just keep their mouth shut or let it go, this sweet girl opened those lips to ask the funniest question I've been asked to-date: "Are you black?" Poor thing felt awful when I let her know that I wasn't, but I wasn't offended! It's been an honor to be connected to the black community in a different way since adopting our kids. I'll always be white, and my kids will always be black. Nothing to be offended about. But something funny to look back on!

Did You Plan To Have Them So Close?
As previously mentioned, sometimes when I'm by myself with the kids, people assume I'm their biological mother. Just a few months ago, somebody asked me if I planned to have my kids so close together (Since I have 4 kids, 4 and under). While this also isn't offensive, by any means, it tickled me. Not only did I not plan to have my children so close together, I didn't plan it at all. That was all up to their biological parents.

Most Common

Are They Twins?
My oldest two are only 14 months apart, and they're also at an age where their sizes are quite similar. I can't go to the grocery store, gymnastics class, or anywhere without being asked by somebody new if my oldest girls are twins. It's a funny question, because the conversation always stops awkwardly at that point.

Are they all siblings?...like same mom?...same mom AND dad?

I have gotten this question more than any other. Sometimes my good friends have asked. Sometimes people approach me in the grocery store. Some random manager in Denny's asked me at the register one day. The most notable time I was asked this question was as we were leaving a pizza restaurant in town. We were heading to the car, hand-in-hand with all our kids. From across the parking lot, a lady started walking toward us, crossing the street. Want to know what her lead-off statement was? "I have so many questions." RED ALERT, RED ALERT. She then proceeded to ask, "Are they all brothers and sisters?" My response was "They're all siblings. Have a good weekend," to signal the end of her prodding and inappropriate questions.

There are so many reasons this question isn't appropriate. Let me try to list and explain them:
- The information, whatever it may be, won't change the life of the person asking, so it just does not need to be asked. It's just nosy.
- News flash: When we have a biological child one day, that child will have the same mom and dad as our adopted kids. Shocking, isn't it (is that sarcasm oozing out of your screen?)?!?! If they're all my kids, then they're all brothers and sisters. Blood doesn't mean everything, and in the case of this conversation, blood relations are irrelevant to the public.
- Lastly, and most importantly, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, DO NOT ASK ME THIS IN FRONT OF MY KIDS. It's already information that those outside of our family are not privy to. But definitely, do not, under any circumstances, ask me questions about my children in front of them. My oldest is brilliant, and picks up on things. My kids are not spectacles. They are my heart and soul.

To wrap up this soapbox I've found myself on, if you've happened to have asked this in the past, I'm not holding a grudge. I'm not mad. Just learn from this and don't ask other foster and adoptive parents. This journey of being an adoptive mother, particularly to children who look nothing like me, has been one of challenges, growth, and lots of fun.